October 25, 2014
5:38 am

Chris Kelly

Written By Dave Aiken

Chris Kelly was born a substantially sizeable boy for his hometown of Asheboro, North Carolina.  Not long after his birth, the state of North Carolina decided to make the home for the North Carolina Zoo in Chris Kelly’s own hometown.  Coincidence?  Most say "no."
 
Kelly was raised a good, God-fearing, biscuit eatin’ boy of the South.  He was the baby of his family, and while spoiled, they taught him how NOT to have fun.  He stayed on the straight and narrow as a child, having no fun and making sure no one around him had fun either. For this reason, Kelly is also known as…the Tattler.  In high school, he was voted most likely to squeal and narc on his friends.  Chris Kelly was founder and President of SASS (Students Against Students Smoking) at Asheboro High School. At that time of the 1980s, 87% of the students at that school were smokers.  Members of SASS consisted of two people - Kelly and a Tibetan foreign exchange student, Haji, whose poor English translated SASS into “Shit…Ain’t She Sexy!"  Kelly masterfully maintained and flaunted his “C” student standing through high school, all the while working after school and weekends at a local establishment named Henry James Barbecue and Hot Dogs. His sophomore year he was hired to be on French fry duty and was promoted to assistant head barbecue chopper by his senior year, a success story by local standards.  Most thought that was it for Chris Kelly, for he had peaked.  For a time, so did he!  A car, a job, and a VCR.
 
Weaned from his Mother’s washer/dryer and breast at 18, Kelly matriculated to Appalachian State University in Boone, which is located in the North Carolina mountains.  It is here that he began his longing for a letter from the University of North Carolina – Chapel Hill to see if he would be admitted soon, as he was on the UNC wait list.  Way, way, way down on that wait list. In fact, to this day, he continues to call the registrar office at UNC – Chapel Hill each new semester to see if they have his admission application still on file.  While attending his “safety school,” App State, he enjoyed the luxuries of Subway sandwiches, slowly walking past the girls' dorms each weekday, and working on the college radio station one morning a week, completing the duo of “The Breakfast Flakes.”  He trudged through his time at Appalachian, watching others party, drink, enjoying their young years.  Many of them had the sex.  Kelly was not one of them, making sure to keep the solid “C” grade point average his hometown family and friends knew and expected of him.  He would “party down” on occasion, however, partaking in a wine spritzer and staying up until midnight once.
 
Chris Kelly’s studies led him to have aspirations of being the world’s premier broadcaster while at university.  Sports was his passion.  He was, and is to this day, a Denver Broncos and Boston Red Sox fanatic - two cities that he has only visited once each.  Play-by-play announcing for one of these teams was his dream job. His dreams were dashed quickly, and Kelly began his first job back home in the small hamlet of Asheboro at their AM 5,000-watt station known as “The Kickin’ Chickin.”  He wooed the pretty girls with his “local celebrity” status.  “Yonder goes that dreamy DeeJay what’s on the radio,” the local girls would exclaim.  
 
One day, Chris Kelly got a call from a Top 40 radio station in the sprawling metropolis of Greensboro, NC.  The station manager said, “If you’ll stop sitting parked at the end of my driveway at my house, I’ll hire you.”  Kelly was ecstatic to be working in a city.  A city where there were buildings more than 3 stories high and folks were always in a big damn hurry.  A city where there were evils.  Where people could buy liquor drinks in restaurants and bars.  Bars, where there were women, probably smokin’ and maybe fornicatin’.   He found his first apartment, jokingly named “On Ramp Acres” near busy Interstate 40.  He did as he was told while working on the morning show at Top 40 radio station, 107.5WKZL .  Everyday, he got to work early, left late.  Occasionally cruising the mall…buying khakis and rugby shirts at J. Riggins to impress co-workers and the ladies.  Then, a quick stop into Bennigan’s to do a lap around the bar and have some stuffed potato skins.  Then back to work early on the Murphy in the Morning Show, joking about the O.J. trial, telling fart jokes and playing second banana to long-time radio warhorse Jack Murphy. 
 
Like magic…one day a radio station Program Director was interested in Kelly’s work and teaming him up with another guy named Chris for a new morning show.  Kelly asked the Program Director, “How did you hear about my body of work?”.  The Program Director answered, “You work in the same building right down the hall, Dumbo.”  Kelly pondered and gave the proposition deep thought.  Less than five minutes later he called the Program Director and said YES!!!  
 
Since that day almost 15 years ago…Kelly has married once (a girl out of his league and the pant wearer of the current family), bought three separate houses (one of those in North Myrtle – Cherry Grove area really) and fathered two children.  He likes his family a lot. He must - he sends his kids to private school.   He does what his wife tells him to do, or he will lie to her and see how it all falls together…or apart.  Kelly is an animal “tolerator,” one-time owner of a dog and current owner of a couple of cats.  In his free time he talks to his children, plays men’s mixed tennis, watches TV, eats cheese products, and sleeps.  He claims to be a Republican; however, Republicans don’t claim him. He says he suffers from the (self proclaimed) "disease," sleep apnea, but we all know, getting air through his big-ass system is a constant chore for his or any body, especially at night.  Everything below the waist is at risk with him. He occasionally suffers from anal fissures, bad knees, and sour feet.  His vasectomy was a success, and whether he’s driving his 1996 Acura or his wife’s mini-van, he feels no less of a man. 
 
His favorite restaurants are Chick-fil-a and McDonald’s.  He loves movies…happiness through tears is one of his favorite emotions.  He has good hair, is a math savant, and is nice to most people (Biggie excluded).
 
Kelly is also able to polish off a Diet Coke and a package of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, in less than three minutes.  He lives in Greensboro with his wife and two children.

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